But I am not a statistician, and to me it seems clear that 15-year-old girls are happier when getting inexpertly groped by 15-year-boys in the bushes, surrounded by empty naggins and chip wrappers. The survey showed that while these behaviours - that teenagers have always been told will only end in tears - have dropped, there has also been a slight drop in life-satisfaction and happiness, especially among girls.Īny statistician will tell you: correlation is not causation. Quite.Ī study of Irish schoolchildren has revealed that fewer of them are drinking, smoking, having sex or taking drugs - and everyone over the age of 25 spent last week scratching their ancient, irrelevant little heads over it. Infuriatingly, the person who's funniest about Gwyneth Paltrow is Gwyneth Paltrow: 'How can we really milk the s**t out of this?' she asks at the end. Goop's strategy has always been to go beyond the furthest reaches of parody so that no one can ever make fun of them. 'This is dangerous! It's unregulated,' says a voice - baiting the numerous critics of unethical pseudoscience masquerading as wellness and health, removing the power of their words by saying them first.

The Goop Lab looks like one of Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends, just without the critical faculties of Theroux. As far as I can tell, only two of these things exist. Interspersed with clips of women (it's always women) sobbing on yoga mats, 'I went through years of therapy in about five hours', of women on a surgical table asking 'should I be scared?' are phrases that flash up on the screen: 'energy healing', 'exorcisms', 'psychedelics', 'cold therapy', 'psychic mediums', 'orgasms'. The advert begins, and Paltrow asks the question that we have been asking her for years: 'What the f**k are you doing to people?' She's with a sex therapist millennials will recognise from edgy internet news outlets, who runs workshops for women to 'get off' - Gwyneth, whose website sells no fewer than seven different vibrators, is shocked. Now, in the Netflix poster, she has become the maligned jade egg, resplendent in a vagina, and still not sorry. Goop settled a lawsuit for $145,000, and stopped claiming the eggs helped 'balance hormones' - but Gwyneth was never repentant.

Gynaecologists across the world have practically begged Paltrow to stop plugging dangerous practises like 'vaginal steaming' (it's exactly what it sounds like) and popping a (porous) Jade Egg up there like 'queens and concubines' who 'used them to stay in shape for emperors'.

Ciara like a boy parody